Forcing myself to watch Twilight, part 1
My nephew and his girlfriend has been telling me that I’m not allowed to whine about Twilight being piece of trash movies or books until I either watch or read them. It doesn’t matter if the general consensus of everything I’ve read about them is that both the movies and books suck ass in every conceivable way. So I’m watching the movies. I caught the first one, Twilight, yesterday. Just for fun I decided to tweet my reactions the whole way through. Here they are, all of them. Just click this post to expand it and see all of them.
Decided that I should watch Twilight and give it a shot. 6:28 in and I’m already annoyed by the horribly bad characterization. #twilight
Paused the movie, as soon as I got it going again, that annoying Asian dude actually said “chillax”. Kill him! #twilight
If you want to see GOOD characterization and amazing portrayal of alienation at school, watch Bang Bang You’re Dead w/ Ben Foster #twilight
Worthless fucking piece of trash movie, but I will endure. #twilight
The camera work to illustrate tension between Bella and Edward is completely ridiculous.
Okay, so they have one class together. That’s the ENTIRE setup before he saves her from certain death. PATHETIC. #twilight
And the fucking breathing during tense moments. They are forcing that “relationship” down our throats and it’s NOT believable. Shit movie
When you write a good relationship, you don’t force a square peg into a round hole, like Meyer does in #twilight
Why is it so fucking hard for filmmakers to do school life justice?
And 20+ year olds are incredibly believable as high school kids. Jesus christ… I want to kill that Asian kid again. Worms… ffs
And immediately in the next scene, I want him to cease existing yet again. Horrible acting. #twilight
STUNTED FUCKING DIALOGUE AND THEY LOOK LIKE THEY ARE CONSTANTLY TAKING A DUMP! JEEEEEZ! #twilight
The best thing about this is that I haven’t even been given opportunity to whine about the vampire bastardizing yet. #twilight
First positive thing so far: Anna Kendrick’s rack. Nice… #twilight
He makes a fucking Die Hard reverse turn??? #twilight
So when Edward is faking charm to Bella’s friends, he actually comes across as warm and genuine. Right… This movie is so full of fail.
“Wait. You say you heard what they were thinking?” There’s the Oscar-worthy delivery! She had to have made an effort to make it that wooden.
People have been telling me that I need to see the love between them. So far there is nothing happening between them. Pathetic.
I’m actually surprised they haven’t used the music to overtly tell us what to feel yet.
So now she’s figured it out and cue the angsty music. Slam dunk…
Is this when he starts sparkling instead of bursting into flame?
JUST FUCK EACH OTHER ALREADY! The fucked up thing is that I already know that supposed sexual tension will be there a lot longer…
…and they won’t do anything about it because this is written by a Christian housewife who’s read one too many sleazy romance novels. Sigh.
HE SPARKLES! BURN YOU FUCKER! BUUUURN!
Couldn’t they at least have made that thrown tree look somewhat real?
WHAT THE FUCK IS THEIR “LOVE” BASED ON???
Why did I jinx it with the music comment? Ever since then, the music has been telling us what to feel about the movie. Bah…
If I’m the director, I’m not using voiceover that inconsistently.
She could be in love with him because he saved her, but she should’ve seen Speed. “Relationships based on extreme circumstances never work.”
I will really, really, really need to rewatch Interview with the vampire after I’m done with this trilogy. Yes, I will watch the other 2 too
Wait a minute… THAT’S Jacob? That kid becomes that steroid job later on? Wow… alright, half-time. Need to fill up on supplies. BRB
Wow, retarded vampire much? “is she even italian?” “her name is bella” With his age, he shouldn’t be that big of an idiot. BAD WRITING!
“given us an excuse to use the kitchen for the first time” Hello exposition. This is the most transparent movie ever. #twilight
At least Alice is cute.
But her lines and foretelling is insanely annoying… of course. Ruin her like that. Bastards.
His room tells us that he is a cool hipster. Wonderful… Aaaand there’s the music convo. At least he has good taste.
Epic sigh on that tree climbing BS… AND THE LINES! Didn’t anyone react and say “ummm, hey guys, this dialogue sucks ass” in production?
You have GOT to be joking me with that footprint shot.
“he looks at you like you’re something to eat…” HOHOHO, IF HE ONLY KNEW! ffs
There is literally no interaction between characters that’s believable. Worthless direction. #twilight
Right, there comes the line about how he’s been watching her for months. Through her window when she sleeps. Not weird at all. Normal love.
So now they’ve kissed. Now stuff is happening. Which only enforces my original belief. Their whole relationship is based on sex, not love.
Hah, that halo thing by the dad was actually funny
Okay, so meathead vampire could actually be that retarded. BUT! Why would Carlisle turn such a meathead into a vampire? Illogical.
Oh noes! Ominous fog and baddies walking through it, then tough guy music! Awesome movie magic.
had to take a small break to concentrate on the poker, took home a nice big hand. let’s get the movie back on now.
That trio of baddies is the biggest joke to movie villainy ever. They don’t deserve to be feared by the audience.
Yeah, the two of them talking in the room with daddy right outside the door won’t be heard at all. Ridiculous.
Now why the fuck would Jamaica vampire warn them? What’s his motivation? Any clue at all for us as to why? Nope. GREAT WRITING, HUH?
This is so contrived I’m going to die…
And there’s another random voiceover again. Who the hell directed this shit?
And their “hovering” is just pathetic line work. They didn’t even try.
Hey movie, physics called. They want their impossibly ripped up floor back.
They’re building a fucking fire???
Sucking the venom out while the others frenetically build that random fire. Riiiight… I miss True Blood.
Hey! In a way, she’s hanging out with hippie vampires, in a weird way vegetarian vampires. Huh… and there’s the voiceover again. Meh.
Hold on a minute. Carlisle didn’t want Edward to kill James. But it was okay for Alice to do it? Or did he even die from that broken neck?
Frustrated Bella = badly acted frustration
At least the nature shots are beautiful.
The whole prom thing is, surprisingly, not half bad.
and there it went to shit again. “I want you, always”. BUT WHY???
“Directed by Catherine Hardwicke” You, ma’am, are a hack.
Alright, time for bed. This was fun. We’ll see when I do New Moon. Twilight gets 1 out of 5 from me. Crap movie.